A Guide to Those Brides to Be
Once you are engaged there is one thing that you must do, above all else, and that is to learn the word "no." It is far too easy to get wrapped up in all the wedding planning drama and if can't say no, if you don't have a clear idea of what you- the real you you are every day- wants, and can't see all the hype of what it is (a ploy from vendors to get your money) you will quickly be extremely overwhelmed and unbelievably broke.
Contrary to the actions of two-year olds, saying 'no' can be very difficult. Especially when it comes to wedding planning because everyone expects to you to say 'yes.' Brides today are inundated with societal pressure to have the biggest, boldest, most extravagant wedding ever. If you don't manage this or at least surmount an acceptable attempt you are a failure- and if you are a failure as a bride well then, you just know that your marriage will also be a failure*!
*sidenote: Considering the number of failed marriages in this country chances are they weren't caused by un-TheKnot.com-approved weddings. It seems more likely (and I would love to research this but probably isn't going to happen) that putting all the emphasis on the spectacle of marriage instead of the substance of the union is going to cause more damage down the road than whether or not the pew bows were the exact same shade of pink as the ribbons on the bridesmaid bouquets.
The mentality that in order to be successful you must fit into a predetermined mold is disgusting but that doesn't make it go away. Weddings are the hoopla of a Sweet 16 and prom wrapped together (two other female-oriented events that are extremely overrated and designed solely to push women to be more and more image conscious). However- it can be combated. Here is a list of things to say 'no' to, so you can say 'yes' to saving time, money, and your ever important sanity.
Things to say NO to
1. Professional Engagement Pictures
You will already be spending more money that you want (or logically need to) on wedding photos. Why waste the money on engagement photos as well? There will be more than enough wedding photos that anyone who wants one can get one- really, how many pictures of you and your beloved do you think other people want? Yes, parents and grandparents may care but the short list ends there.
Okay, I would be a hypocrite if I said engagement photos are not fun, and even potentially useful (I have some- they gave us something for the save the date and gussy up the website nicely)- but there is no reason to shell out big bucks on a pro for them.
Instead- grab a friend or relative who's fairly skilled with a shutter to snap some for you. Yes, you can pay them but even if your friend allows to put cold hard cash in their sweaty palm, it won't cost what a professional setting would. Besides, most friends and relatives (if they are nice ones) are equally happy with being taken out for dinner or a drink, or a thoughtful gift.
Don't get suckered in: Yes, many wedding photographers offer a "free engagement sitting" as part of your package however this doesn't make it a good idea. 1. It isn't really free- clearly all the costs involved with the engagement sitting are hidden instead the $2,000.00+ wedding package. 2. Unless you are getting married within months of your engagement (meaning you had to start planning the second the ring was on your finger) you aren't going to be booking a photographer for your wedding until after you've been engaged for awhile and you will want your engagement photos before that. Yes, you could be one of those couples who put their engagement announcement in the newspaper the week before they get hitched (even though they've been engaged for a year) but why? The point of announcing your engagement is to tell people you are ENGAGED. There are wedding announcements for announcing that you are married. A quick snapshot from right after the proposal is a lot cuter and more meaningful than a stiff, posed shot by a stranger 6 months later.
Note: Don't go too overboard with this advice. Although expensive, there is nothing wrong with saying 'yes' to a professional for your actual wedding photos. In theory you could ask same aforementioned friend or relative to take the pictures but this can get dicey. One, you will want professional quality. I am not saying that non-pros can't do pro quality, however you will want to be able to complain, bitch, throw a fit, etc. if when you pick up your order its been messed up (****Contracts not being fulfilled is the only permissible reason to turn into uber-bitch****) and this is harder when dealing with some you have a personal relationship with. And two, while an engagement photo shoot will take about an hour at most, photographing a wedding takes hours. That is a pretty big time-commitment to ask someone to take on solely out of kindness of their heart.
2. Wedding Favors
Stop and think REALLY hard about every wedding you have ever been to. How many of them gave out wedding favors that you really cared about? Seriously, any of them? Wedding favors generally fall into two categories.
The first is So personal that only about 6 people care about them, including the bride and groom. I once attended a wedding where the bride had spent hours hand painting her and her husband's name and their wedding date on Christmas ornaments. A nice idea however, besides the fact the ornaments were in the wedding colors which weren't the most standard Christmas colors, the average wedding guest didn't feel close enough to the bride and groom to hang an ornament with their names on it on their tree every year. I didn't (I'd never met the groom before the wedding, assuming I did meet him during the wedding) and neither did most of the guests. At the end of the reception more than 2/3 of the ornaments were still sitting on the tables. Months of handiwork, plus all that money, completely gone to waste.
The second category of favors is So chintzy and/or basic the guests wonder what the point was. Tiny bags of gauze with two pieces of Hershey's chocolate in it doesn't make much of an impression. Maybe they might help out a starving guest for 30 seconds but that is about it. You can't take it home and save it if you wanted to, and once again the bride and her poor indentured servants have gone to hours of work for basically nothing. If it isn't worth getting, why give it to someone? Bowls of chocolate kisses on the table make a better snack and take a lot less work.
If you really want to have something your guests can take home as memorabilia, give personalized napkins a shot. They are cheap and functional. If someone wants to keep one, its easy to tuck into a purse or pocket. If they don't really feel the need to immortalize your wedding day, they can just use it to wipe frosting off their faces.
Yes, I understand the point (in the more theoretical way) of wedding favors is to thank your guests for being there. However, the handwritten note you WILL be sending will do a much better job (see How to Lose Friends and Alienate People by Throwing a Wedding to see my thoughts on effing up on that) as will speaking to your guests during the wedding. A picture may be worth a thousand words but words are worth a million painted seashells.
Okay... since I will be the first to admit that there is at least one exception to every rule- I do like the personalized Jones Soda/bottle water idea. However, unless you are having a very small wedding or have unlimited funds, it isn't cost-effective even if the leftovers can be recycled.
3. Showers
Wedding showers aren't a necessity. You don't have to necessarily turn down someone's offer to throw you one, but do not insist upon being given one. You will be getting gifts at the wedding, in theory. There is absolutely no reason to insist on people giving you more than one gift. Even if you have never lived on your own (if so, you are WAY too young, either in age or in maturity to get married but that's another issue) and posses no household goods you will still be getting enough stuff. Few people enjoy the dorky games of dressing each other in toilet paper or playing Bridal Bingo. Historically there may have been a good reason for wedding showers. However, nowadays they are just yet another gimmick to get you or your designated shower thrower to waste money on wedding-themed junk. Have a party instead where people have fun, not give you presents. Or, plan a gathering where you and the groom (remember him?- he's an important part) get families together so they can meet without the stress of the day and the bland catered meal between them.
4. Pew Bows, Garlands, Gigantic Centerpieces, and other decorative crap
Decorations, especially in terms of excessive flowers, are the best way to waste your time and money. If think your ceremony location is ugly I am not sure why you are getting married there. However, if it can't be helped, I'm sorry but sticking big bows on the ends of rows and looping streamers all over aren't going to make it better. You can put lipstick on a pig but in the end it is still going to smell like slop.
When considering decorating your church/ceremony location stop and think- who is it for? For you? You are going to spend almost the entire wedding facing away from most of the room- the walk down the aisle isn't that long that you need to make sure you've got a great looking view (It's not a bad idea to plan on looking at, oh maybe the groom? during this moment anyways). Decorations for the benefit of your guests? The average person doesn't care- and like I said, a couple bows aren't going to hide ugly woodwork, 1970's stained glass, and bad paint jobs from those disconcerning eyes.
Personally, I have issues with pew bows and I don't believe I'm alone. Yes, they might look nice while the seats are empty and provide a dramatic effect. But once you have people going in and out of those rows, all that effect is gone. Mostly they just get in the way and fall off. People knock into them trying to sit down. The cheap taffeta-esque ribbon starts to fray. The wires loosen. The bows droop, hang crooked, or, worse, fall off causing a potential accident for those who have to walk down the aisle. Leave the pew bows in the 80's with the poofy shouldered bridesmaid dresses where they belong.
It is possible to get beautiful decorations and have them arranged wonderfully. However, it isn't going to be cheap. Unless you are unbelievably wealthy (and I'm meaning that you don't need a mortgage to buy a 3.5 million dollar house) the cost of professional decorators isn't worth it. You want people to remember your ceremony for the fact that you and your chosen got married, not for the fabulous ice sculptures of the wedding party.
When it comes to decorating, keep this in mind: Big is rarely better, and subtle is more sentimental.
5. Caring about what anyone else is wearing
Yes- as the bride you do get to chose what you will wear, what the bridesmaids will wear, and have at least some say in what the groom and groomsmen will wear. But your control stops there. Everyone else gets to where whatever they feel like. It is appropriate and perfectly polite to let key members who will be in lots of pictures, like parents and parents-in-law, what colors others are wearing so they don't end up as the sole navy wearer in a sea of black. But you do not get to tell them they can't wear navy because everyone else is wearing black, or that they must wear celery in order to properly contrast with the asparagus colored bridesmaid dresses.
Also- and I cannot stress this one enough- it does NOT matter if anyone else wears white, beige, ivory, ecru, mother of pearl, or any other light color that could be construed as an American Bridal dress color. Everyone is going to know that you are the bride and pay attention to you, regardless of what anyone else is wearing. Even if your dress is not a gigantic, traditional looking wedding gown, or you aren't wearing a veil- people will still know you are the bride. You'll be the one up front saying the vows. You will also be the person that a good half of the guests came to see be a bride. As for the other half, well, they'll figure it out real quick since you will be the person pledging to love and honor the person they know and came to see be the groom. Funny how weddings work that way.
6. TheKnot.com and all other wedding planning or advice sites, books, magazines, etc.
Okay - I am not suggesting that you completely avoid such sites, they can be of some use and benefit. But they are not the word of God when it comes to weddings, even if it is called The Wedding Bible. Keep this very VERY important fact in mind when utilizing these sites and items: They want you to spend money, preferably on their goods and services (don't fool yourself- TheKnot.com doesn't post links to vendors out of the goodness of their heart for your personal benefit- those vendors are paying for those promos and listings). It is very easy to incredibly overwhelmed when planning a wedding and things like TheKnot are more likely to make you feel bad and that you aren't doing what you need to, than helping you feel in control. Do look some of them over, they may have some items that are useful but don't let them control your life. Especially, do not let them convince you need the things mentioned about, or anything else that doesn't seem like you, in order to be a happy bride and have a wedding you will be glad to remember.
Take every piece of wedding advice (including this blog) with a teaspoon or so of salt. Decide what you- the real you, not the one swept up in some society pressure induced Cinderella, pseudo-perfect fantasy- wants and go with that. Polonius had it right (he was due at least one) when he said "To thine own self be true"- don't let anyone, including your own inner bridezilla, turn your wedding into something you won't want to cherish as a memory.
